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Friday, November 20th, 2009
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Since I graduated, I've struggled with the fear of the unknown. That time of my life ended, and beyond it, I could see nothing, imagine nothing, with any sort of conviction. Today I've had an epiphany of sorts. Not the lightning-bolt of surety and destiny, but a calm sense of acceptance that tells me I have run long enough and at last must come home.
I have been running since I was a child.
I pray that now I have found the strength to embrace the future.
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For some reason, my recent obsession with Kings of Leon's Use Somebody got me following a link to MGMT's video for Time to Pretend and then I was reading the comments on the video on Youtube. And a quote from the lyrics sent me spiraling outward from MGMT to Italian nationalism in the early 20th century and the Futurist Manifesto. Which is definitely worth reading, even if you have absolute 0 interest in history or political literature.
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Yeah, I'm not dead. Go figure.
This is a random update just for shits and giggles. I'll be at Anime North in May, which means I'll be in Toronto, ON, CA from Thursday May 21st through Sunday May 24. Yeah, my first anime convention is going to be Canadian style. But hey, my hot young Canadian friend is shelling out for the hotel, not me. I can't argue with that.
Since I've been out of the anime loop for literal years now, I'm feeling a little out of my depths. Bob (my hot young Canadian) is trying to re-educate me, starting with Gundam00, which he knew I'd find entertaining. Lawl.
Pesha, I think you in particular will be entertained by all of this. <3 I tried to call you last month and got your grandma. I need to call you again sometime, but you're a slut about letting your cellphone voicemail fill up. ;P
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spoilers follow.
i cried while harry was doing his deathmarch to the forbidden forest, especially when he used the stone and when he paused by ginny's side. cried like a baby. i have annoying little salt-water specks all over my glasses now.
totally agree with ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) pokito about bella being off her nut as per usual, molly's mama bear-ness being badass (dumb death eaters and their lack of appreciation for the power behind a mother's love. if only bellatrix had been born with functioning ovaries and a heart made of more than obsidian...), and most of the rest of her comments, including the unsatisfactory brevity of the epilogue.
i mentioned in a comment on miranda's journal how i wouldn't be surprised by a novella, but if jkr's happy with her millions, i think, upon reflection, that she might leave it up to the fandom to fill in the blanks, knowing, as she does, of their joyful dabbling in her world. alright kiddies, i want to see 'morning after the battle' and '5 months later' fics with weddings and sex. and tying up of loose ends.
luna needs some lovin. imo. i still think she and neville could be cute together.
also, i bet gribblyhook or whatever his name was is pissed that his smexy goblin sword disappeared only to emerge from a hat in the hands of Yet Another Gryffindor.
i got the book on the 21st via USPS, but didn't actually start reading until that night, and since andrew also wanted to read, decided that i'd read it aloud so we could read it together. that lasted for 2 nights, and it was loads of fun, though hard on my poor throat, and i gave up and finished it by myself. so now i have to wait for him to read the rest so i can spazz about stuff. he's going to be smug when he sees fred died. he called it, since george is already wounded. also, i wasn't at all surprised by snape, and i think there are going to be a few fic authors blinking in shock and going "but hey, that's what *i* did!"
but then, the way i see it, there's been so much hp fic written, the odds of jkr's plot not already having been written by 20 other people weren't that good.
somehow, i can't see jason isaacs rushing through the midst of the battle of hogwarts, narcissa in tow, crying out for his son. movie 7 is going to be weird, fo sho.
zomg i'm tired. going to go crash. sorry for lack of lj cut. totally don't remember the code for them. everyone who reads this journal has alreayd finished it anyway though.
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| Time: | 7:13 pm. |
| Mood: |  curious. | | Music: | Nickel Creek -- Shoulda Known Better. |
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I think I want to write Elysium again. From the beginning.
Also, my lj color scheme is getting old. Expect something new and shiny as soon as I figure out how to work the lj styles again.
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| Subject: | QotD: |
| Time: | 9:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  crazy. | | Music: | amy winehouse -- rehab. |
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Tail rape...that almost appeals to my tentacle fetish...
also:
pioneers of porn vs. sultans of swing
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Thursday, June 21st, 2007
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| Time: | 11:31 pm. |
| Music: | fastball -- the way. |
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due to various inconveniences, tony will not be down until sunday, 24th. however, the idea of a LAN is still being tossed around (andrew, i'm not above bribing you and your friends with alcohol). should that idea fall through, i still have tons of sex, window-shopping, movie-viewing, eating of good food, and swimming in my immediate future. probably also fielding random irrational bullshit from my father.
received graduation money from aunt e today, which is very squee-worthy. must remember to send her a thank you card.
the temptation to pack my belongings and leave for lancaster with tony on thursday is steadily growing.
found the law school i'm going to apply to. unlike the cheerful ghetto of camden, this one is in carlisle, only about 2 hours from lancaster. low-rent area, nice school, affordable tuition, broad course offerings. finally, one thing that seems to speak to the rightness of my decision.
on a random sidenote, have been informed that the bbc has a newish spinoff of dr. who called torchwood, in which there is onscreen gay kissing. ...really hawt onscreen gay kissing. wtb this series, plz. am also pretty sure aj hall writes fics for this series, which is an added bonus.
back to the subject of this weekend. looking forward to demolishing the bottle of coconut rum i bought, along with a nifty looking minibottle of pomegranate liquer called "pama." definitely seems the sort of thing i should send ansley's way if it proves tasty.
k. bored now.
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there are no words to accompany that title. lawl.
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bwahahaha.
3 days from now I shall be a little bit richer, with hotel reservations for 2 for 4 nights -- 4 nights with a lovely king size bed just for Tony and I to enjoy, together...mmmmm.
June 17-21 = Holiday of Most Excellentness. There will probably be a Random LAN(tm), and consumption of alcohol. zomg. oh, and like...sex. lots of it. lawlz.
rereading A.J. Hall's wonderful HP fics, since no one has produced any appreciable HP epic fics in the last 3 years.
want to see skycaptain and the world of tomorrow again, too, as hall has written a novel-length fic for it.
off to go read moar ficness.
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Bullshit policies crafted by Ebay and similar entities in order to support their chickenshit desire to avoid all intellectual property issues.
Bullshit harassment by software monsters like Blizzard (and their fun-lovin' parent, VivendiUniversal) and hypocritical disregard for their own legal documents.
Bullshit distance between PA and SC preventing me from seeing my boyfriend more than once a month.
Bullshit being broke-ness.
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| Time: | 1:54 pm. |
| Mood: |  amused. | | Music: | straylight run - mistakes we knew we were making. |
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amused by the way the Livejournal Strikethrough of 2007 panned out. clearly, corporate America should greatly fear The Fandom, as they are A Major Power. am eager to see that the fan comms that got tos'd make it back into functionality. especially as I have been looking to return to Fandom and my lurking prospects are greatly diminished by the suspension of the shiny place known as ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) pornish_pixies.
sadface
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Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
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| Time: | 6:22 pm. |
| Mood: | random. | | Music: | Gackt - Vanilla. |
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mercedes lackey is what every sci-fi/fantasy fangirl aspires to be.
that is all.
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| Time: | 1:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. | | Music: | Nonpoint - Bullet with a Name. |
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This is what happens when you stop reading for pleasure while you're in college: you forget that you have books loaned out, and realize, only too late, that a friend you no longer speak to has some of your books, among them an original 80s paperback edition of Magic's Pawn with the original glitzy cover by Jody Lee. Goddamns.
And probably a Star Wars novel or two. Damnit.
The copy of Take a Thief sitting on my bookshelf is not, imo, fair trade.
The lesson here? Do not trust that people will not change. It's a naive expectation. And don't loan books out to anyone. Anyone.
On a side note, took a gander at various job-hunting sites yesterday for some part-time frippery to tide me over until summer's end, and instead ended up with three windows full of adware and two hours of scanning. I took it as A Sign and gave up the search for the day. Would rather hunt down paperwork for unclaimed funds and do away with WoW and sit on my ill-gotten gains for awhile until Tony has made his summer visit anyway.
Still trying to come to terms with the fact that a 2 year education and 2 years of work experience would have been more useful right now than a liberal arts degree.
Meh.
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Saturday, April 28th, 2007
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| Time: | 11:11 am. |
| Mood: |  apathetic. | | Music: | Steely Dan -- Hey Nineteen. |
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Christians still taste like chicken. These and other useful tidbits, available upon request. I suppose I'll leave the format, seeing as it is both oppulent and aggressive, which is pretty much how I feel on a good day. We don't discuss the bad days.
If this paper would just finish writing itself without my input (which I've pretty much exhausted already in the drafting process), that would be nice. I'd like some time to think about silly, fun things. Like...Steely Dan and Cuervo Gold. Yes.
Tony can't afford to come down again for graduation, which blows. Was looking forward to seeing him twice in the space of a month. The whole Memorial Day weekend idea is wearing a flashing neon sign with "DISASTER" written on it. Myrtle Beach in June is like Daytona. He's never going to find a hotel.
Can't wait to be done with everything so I can just float along in the Lazy River of summer for a week or two.
Meh. Back to trying to write. Would really like to do heroics tonight. /sadface
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Monday, September 4th, 2006
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| Time: | 11:55 am. |
| Mood: |  chipper. | | Music: | Matisyahu - Refuge. |
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i'm back in business, bitches.
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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
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| Time: | 11:37 am. |
| Mood: |  bored. |
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need to sit down for a few hours this week with Renfrew in my lap and contemplate what *I* think is going on with exchange patterns in Cilicia during....some time period which I also need to specify. Bah. Ottoman is too late. Byzantine...hrm. I like me some Byzantines, but I don't have any past training in Byzantine history, whereas I do have some background with the Roman period. bah.
Still want to tie Lee down to a bed and do bad things to him. He should really listen to that SheDaisy song about the chick with multiple personalities and what each of them wants to do to him. I personally think it would be a much-needed insight into my frame of mind...and that said frame of mind is not my own craziness, but the craziness of women in general. And that should make it more acceptable damnit.
Saw a really cute man with a little beard and kind of shaggy brown hair the other day. Wanted to molest him on the street. Srsly, I need a lover, this is nuts.
Talking to Nathan again. Have been for a few weeks now. It feels a little strained sometimes, like we might both have just enough feelings left for him to be cautious and me to be speculative.
Matt is coming down in October to see Laur and hang out. October just makes me think of my own attempt to see Nathan. I just hope Matt knows not to expect anythign from Laur when he comes down, to just let it flow naturally and happen as it will. I've probably learned nothing else from Nathan and Lee except for that.
Bah. Class in 15. Who does that?
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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
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| Time: | 11:20 am. |
| Mood: |  weird. | | Music: | Ben Harper -- Forgiven. |
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goal this semester: meet someone like lee drummond who doesn't live 2000 miles away or in india. as he and nathan were ridiculously similar, this is obviously my "type." now i just have to find one who doesn't run away before i can tie him to my bedpost... um...
erich's sister app'd to suicide girls: discuss.
pantheon saturday the 19th after i move in? i expect you bitches to be there. reuinion and DRINKING TIME!
i'm pretty sure that the meeting house doesn't have an elevator...this is going to be interesting for move in day! third floor...here i come... let's hope the whole turkey hill-walking thing hasn't worn off from the month of laziness!
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| Time: | 4:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | Matisyahu - King Without a Crown. |
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sometimes i wish i were sarah
sometimes i wish i were perfect for him -- even though i think perfection is impossible and ultimately undesirable -- we are creations of imperfection
sometimes i wish i weren't such a masochist
sometimes i wish i knew what love was so i could recognize it
i can't keep wishing to not be myself -- i can't live a lie, a paradox
the problem is that i want to be immersed in someone else, and that scares most people
the problem is that i want something that might not exist
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| Time: | 9:58 am. |
| Music: | Jerusalem -- Matisyahu. |
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tomorrow marks 1 month until Turkey. i'm short $4k.
i have a paper i haven't started on due thursday, as well as an archaeological project (currently incomplete) due the same day. i have a GIS project which is nowhere near done due either this wednesday or on next monday. can i give up now, go to sleep, and never wake up?
most honest assessment of how he feels that lee has ever given me: "i'm metaphorically idling in IF. i'm still not over a girl i almost dated years ago who was perfect for me. i hate my job. i'm stalled in life."
he didn't appreciate my reply that i knew he was hurt and not over someone and that i had wanted to be enough that he'd get over her and want me. whatever. i have tunnel vision where that boy is concerned.
i had to buy easter dinner so that my family could eat last night. i am 21, with no income, a shaky future, and i had to spend $100 to go home and make sure my youngest brother didn't realize that when daddy's nearly bankrupt, so is the easter bunny.
my brain is numb, my heart is numb, and every night i think of everything that's wrong with my life, and i want to cry. i have no words for myself.
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Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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You want all the tenderness, none of the responsibility -- not to love or lust or persevere. You want -- I don't know. You want -- I'm sorry. You want not to know. You want it easy, simple, distant. You want me hot and cold and not at all.
To think I sat in a Cleveland concourse for an hour while grey rain fell -- with coffee, and a napkin for my tears.
I watched a couple with their son -- shuffle him back and forth between dual cellphones; a boy in desert camo with a Stephen King novel, a smug old man with platitudes -- and thought about how you hadn't come to see me to the gate.
I should have known when you held me but didn't concede, when I woke with the overcast sky framed in your second-story window, when I saw you sitting with your head in your hands, when you said you'd thought for too long. I should have known when you stood in your doorway and answered my stare with a hushed, apologetic voice. You think I'm sorry makes everything better, and I wonder who made you like that.
In the end it doesn't matter. It's over.
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sleepy.
silly.
whimsical.
disgusted.